2003-2007: emergency supplies.


my heart. an ink pen. you took everything cliche away. then you took everything. filled and emptied everything. like only you could. only you could. i’ll never tell you how very bad it gets. and it gets very bad. especially. when nights bleed. into mornings. and we pretend like we’re sleeping. while we’re dying. trying not to cry. and falling in and out of love. with every promise of later. every goodbye. but i can’t. every i’m sorry. you’re sorry? i love you. you’re sorry i love you.

i’ll never tell you how bad it gets. i just wanted to love it all away. give you something to hang your things on. chairs to take the load off. waiting in windows for a seat. waiting in wombs for nine months. just so you can be broken. and you can say sorry. at some point. we’re impatient. just wanted to fall in love fast. far before we were all the way out of love. ran out of love. said sorry for that as well. and we get dressed just to cry. sleep naked. and dream about the beautiful things. wildfires. and lonely stars. high there. acted like you were leaving. got up to write. and nobody left. nobody left. it’s just us. and we have fun. never even noticed you. as we danced about the laundry mat. i missed you. i missed your everything.

double shots and drugs. please. make something out of me. and these are the hands. the hands you hold that shape you. trace you. nighttime on the nails. that drop things while they’re waiting. and write these beautiful words. as they roll dollars tight. special nights. and the morning. girl, put in work. cheap drinks and expensive habits. end the same way we started.

don’t pick up. please. i need you right now. and you can have all your things back. you can give all his things back. i’ve been making mistakes. i think they’ve noticed now. and now. i have to leave. emptied the pitcher into your glass. emptied the picture. and color overflowed onto your pillow. and you tried to be mad. but we just missed each other. too much. too much to be mad when we wake up. we’ll make it. sorry for sunday morning.

didn’t wait outside train stations. inside train stations. not this time. the same goodbye. it gets a little more something every time. and i watched you walk away. sniffled a little. a little less than you had been. and i sat there. sniffled a little. smiled a tear. until next time.

it gets better. but. i’ll never tell you how good it gets.

that’s ours.