thought about you

This only sounds like 'storytime'.

When the mid-day sun shone at its brightest, above the hustle & bustle that drives the city, I thought about you. You used to always find the brighter side of darker nights, convinced that the stars always would align to guide us right. And sometimes, I wish that I believed what you said to be true. I miss you, especially on days like this one. Not a cloud in the sky, the weather's favorable, & the sun's perched atop 12 o'clock...but I can't seem to see the rays for the beach. 

I miss you. Everything seems darker, more fragile now. I'm not as agile as I once was. The things that I used to bounce back from, tend to keep me down a bit longer. Now I like to act as if my scars make me stronger somehow, but they don't - they only serve as harsh reminders that I wasn't quick enough, clever enough, lucky enough to avoid things that were too sharp to hold, too hot to touch, too painful to watch. 

Sometimes, I want to follow the path where I saw you last, just to see where you've gone off to. And if it's better than here. 

I try hard from day to day not to, but last night when the demons came calling & I considered answering, I thought about you. I never found any sacrilege in wondering about what you would do. I don't know what's the closest to God I've ever been, but the gap felt lessened whenever you were around. But now...it's felt like a million city miles ever since.

It used to feel a little easier to smile, even when I was down. Sadness sometimes seeps into the sun times; that's not news to me. The shadows of my subconscious sell space to somber staying sentiment. Every trace of happiness has blue residue. I try to not think of you, because that becomes this. And words become pointless. And you're no longer here when it's all done & said. Even the mere acknowledgement is enough to overshadow my soul or eclipse.

 

Your son.